No Kids Allowed
Dear Uncommon Advice,
I have a question! We have a friendly supper club where we go to each other's houses for dinner, a different couple hosts each month. It's an adults only type of situation. We moms do a lot of things together with the kids, but this is so we can really enjoy the meal without the children to look after. Most of us get babysitters, but one of our group keeps bringing their kids, just saying the babysitter fell through, or whatever. I don't even think they're trying! Last month's dinner was at my house and I got a babysitter to take my children somewhere else, only to have her show up with her kids?! How do I nicely tell her she needs to try harder?
Thanks.
Dear Hungry for Harmony,
I can understand your frustration. The core of the problem here is based around expectations. A lot of problems arise from expectations that are not clearly stated or understood. Your friend may not realize that she is stepping on toes, especially if the "no kids" idea is an idea and not a hard and fast rule. You basically have two options : 1) The subtle option and 2) The direct option.
Ms. Kids-in-tow may just need a gentle boundary reminder. You can offer to share a babysitter (make sure to increase the sitter's pay for more children), call a babysitter for her, with a suggestion that she really needs a night off and should be able to relax without the children, or give her a couple of babysitter suggestions that have been highly reliable in the past for you. Make sure you give her plenty of time before the next dinner club, since she may wait until the last minute and this may be why her plans fall through. Honestly, since she has not picked up on polite hints before this route may not work on her.
The other choice is to let your unspoken rules be known. The next person to host dinner club should let her know (probably when the date or dish to bring is confirmed) that if her babysitting falls through for dinner plans, she should deliver her dish but stay home with the kids. In dinner clubs that I have been in, once a date is confirmed, you still bring the food over if you can't make it no matter what the issue is. This makes for smoother dinner club. If it is a couples club, one of the parents can still attend happily WITHOUT THE KIDS.
I would be curious to know what route you took and how it worked out for you.
I have a question! We have a friendly supper club where we go to each other's houses for dinner, a different couple hosts each month. It's an adults only type of situation. We moms do a lot of things together with the kids, but this is so we can really enjoy the meal without the children to look after. Most of us get babysitters, but one of our group keeps bringing their kids, just saying the babysitter fell through, or whatever. I don't even think they're trying! Last month's dinner was at my house and I got a babysitter to take my children somewhere else, only to have her show up with her kids?! How do I nicely tell her she needs to try harder?
Thanks.
Dear Hungry for Harmony,
I can understand your frustration. The core of the problem here is based around expectations. A lot of problems arise from expectations that are not clearly stated or understood. Your friend may not realize that she is stepping on toes, especially if the "no kids" idea is an idea and not a hard and fast rule. You basically have two options : 1) The subtle option and 2) The direct option.
Ms. Kids-in-tow may just need a gentle boundary reminder. You can offer to share a babysitter (make sure to increase the sitter's pay for more children), call a babysitter for her, with a suggestion that she really needs a night off and should be able to relax without the children, or give her a couple of babysitter suggestions that have been highly reliable in the past for you. Make sure you give her plenty of time before the next dinner club, since she may wait until the last minute and this may be why her plans fall through. Honestly, since she has not picked up on polite hints before this route may not work on her.
The other choice is to let your unspoken rules be known. The next person to host dinner club should let her know (probably when the date or dish to bring is confirmed) that if her babysitting falls through for dinner plans, she should deliver her dish but stay home with the kids. In dinner clubs that I have been in, once a date is confirmed, you still bring the food over if you can't make it no matter what the issue is. This makes for smoother dinner club. If it is a couples club, one of the parents can still attend happily WITHOUT THE KIDS.
I would be curious to know what route you took and how it worked out for you.
posted by Canton Mommy | 8:07 PM
3 Comments:
Another idea would be tell the person that children are subject to a $100 maintenance fee (each), and she will not be permitted to eat until such fine has been paid. She'll probably laugh. Don't laugh. Don't smile. Just say, "I need you to pay that fee now, before you go any further." The choice is up to her.
Given the cost of babysitters, $100 may be too low. Since I don't have kids myself, I haven't priced them out lately. If so, go for $250.
In my experience, the subtle option never works. Somehow being subtle is just a way to side step hurting someone's feelings and gives the other person an 'out' not to pick up on what needs to be said. The direct(in a polite fashion) leaves no questions as to what the expections are for the dinner club. Just wanted to toss in my 2 cents worth!
Here's a question. I have kids and sometimes my hands aren't exactly... sanitary. What if I just wiped a nose, or worse, with my right hand, and then someone wants to shake my hand. Is it okay to say, "My hands aren't clean," or what? What if I just don't feel like shaking hands, say, after church or something? What's a good way to get out of it?
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