Dinner Invitations

For some reason, people tend to invite me to things at the last minute. This happened to me in church this morning, and is usually preceded by, "What are you doing for...?" By the time they're asking, I've pretty much planned on doing something that doesn't involve interaction with humans (a strong preference, giving my strongly introverted nature), but that's a tough one to tell people. To complicate things, I've got a number of food allergies, so holiday meals prepared by someone else, for me, resembles a milder form of Russian Roulette. What's the best way to get out of these? ...Whenever I'm invited to someone's home for a meal, I try to ask about what's being served. I figure this is less offensive than eating something I'm allergic to and going into convulsions. I realize that some people think this can be rude, but when my continued existence is at stake, I think that's tough noogies. What say you?


Dear Eaten Up,
Last minute invitations are very casual and can be declined just as lightly. If the person is polite, they will first let you know what they are inviting you to so that you do not first say that you are doing nothing and then get tricked into coming over since you just admitted you were doing nothing. If they happen to first ask what you are doing (as most often happens with last minute invitations), then be ambiguous. You know it is coming, so reply carefully, maybe with, "I have a few things on the agenda", or, "There are a few plans up in the air yet". Then when they ask if you could join them for, say, dinner, you can easily decline. Just a "No, Thanks" or a "I'll take a rain check on that" will suffice - you do not have to explain why you are declining the invitation. Just remember the rule of 3's, which is you should not decline 3 invitations from the same person/people in a row.

If you want to accept an invitation to someone's house and are worried what will be on the menu, then first decline. That is, decline with a reason that can and must be refuted by the host: "I would love to come over, but it is hard to find a dinner that is in the narrow spectrum of foods I can eat." If the person really meant to invite you, then they will inquire about this, leaving a fine opening for you to detail the most important points of your food allergies. Having been a hostess on the other end (which I am sure you recall), I have since learned to ask potential guests if they have any allergies or preferences. This way I have proactively learned one neighbor is vegetarian and another one does not eat any form of pork. If I had not asked, the subsequent meals could have been uncomfortable.

Never Enough Thanks

First, I would like to thank the readers who have posed questions for this blog. I have enjoyed answering specific conundrums and I would encourage any reader to ask for an opinion of any proper behavior in any Sticky Situation.

Second, while on the topic of thanking people, I would like to comment about thank you notes. If you receive a gift of any nature, the best thing to do is write a thank you note. This does not mean that I am not ever remiss in this venture! But the excitement of receiving an envelope in the mail that is not propaganda or billing matter is something that is going the way of the horse buggy. Some people like to make a card from scratch and others enjoy finding the perfect Hallmark sentiment. Either way is a wonderful way to let someone know you are grateful and continue to think about them even after the gift has been received. The acceptable time usually quoted for sending a thank you (by Emily Post, no less) is 2 weeks. I am here to tell you people will still smile a month after the gift is received if you have taken the time to send them a thank you.

For some of the menfolk that may read this (I am not stereotyping, I am speaking with a particular person in mind), do yourself a favor and have someone pick up a box of pre-printed "Thanks for anything" cards so you can just sign your name. It is the gesture that is important. In truth, you can never say "Thank You" enough.

Hold the Handshake

Here's a question: I have kids and sometimes my hands aren't exactly... Sanitary. What if I just wiped a nose, or worse, with my right hand, and then someone wants to shake my hand. Is it okay to say, "My hands aren't clean," or what? What if I just don't feel like shaking hands, say, after church or something? What's a good way to get out of it?

Dear Sticky Hands,

It is a very germ conscious attitude you are taking and I applaud you for that. It is perfectly acceptable to not shake hands, but it needs to be done with some indication or explanation so the other person is not left "hanging". The subtle course is to always have your hands full with something large. Pick up one of your children, but make sure you nod your head when you come up to a person in an attempt to forego the ritual handshake so that you are acknowledging them. I have found this to be a good handshake avoiding method. If that doesn't work, you can make light of the situation. There are few people who do not appreciate a little levity: "You wouldn't want to shake THESE hands!!" (with a knowing nod towards the munchkins).

The only place I think you may find this difficult to avoid is during church. A lot of services have a section where people greet each other with a firm handshake. Since you know this is coming, use a wet wipe if you think your hands have been in places that should not be shared. You can sit out the greetings, but some people just don't take that as a hint and you will be shaking hands regardless. If someone takes umbrage at your refusal, ignore it. I am sure they would be more unhappy if they got the cold from your kid.

No Kids Allowed

Dear Uncommon Advice,
I have a question! We have a friendly supper club where we go to each other's houses for dinner, a different couple hosts each month. It's an adults only type of situation. We moms do a lot of things together with the kids, but this is so we can really enjoy the meal without the children to look after. Most of us get babysitters, but one of our group keeps bringing their kids, just saying the babysitter fell through, or whatever. I don't even think they're trying! Last month's dinner was at my house and I got a babysitter to take my children somewhere else, only to have her show up with her kids?! How do I nicely tell her she needs to try harder?

Thanks.


Dear Hungry for Harmony,

I can understand your frustration. The core of the problem here is based around expectations. A lot of problems arise from expectations that are not clearly stated or understood. Your friend may not realize that she is stepping on toes, especially if the "no kids" idea is an idea and not a hard and fast rule. You basically have two options : 1) The subtle option and 2) The direct option.

Ms. Kids-in-tow may just need a gentle boundary reminder. You can offer to share a babysitter (make sure to increase the sitter's pay for more children), call a babysitter for her, with a suggestion that she really needs a night off and should be able to relax without the children, or give her a couple of babysitter suggestions that have been highly reliable in the past for you. Make sure you give her plenty of time before the next dinner club, since she may wait until the last minute and this may be why her plans fall through. Honestly, since she has not picked up on polite hints before this route may not work on her.

The other choice is to let your unspoken rules be known. The next person to host dinner club should let her know (probably when the date or dish to bring is confirmed) that if her babysitting falls through for dinner plans, she should deliver her dish but stay home with the kids. In dinner clubs that I have been in, once a date is confirmed, you still bring the food over if you can't make it no matter what the issue is. This makes for smoother dinner club. If it is a couples club, one of the parents can still attend happily WITHOUT THE KIDS.

I would be curious to know what route you took and how it worked out for you.

Wedding Invitations

Today, in the mail, I received a wedding invitation. This is for the neighbor across the street (well, her daughter), who I don't know terribly well. I wonder if they are having a big wedding and inviting EVERYBODY they know or if we are better friends than I thought. Either way, I must decide what to do about it. This is my belief on what to do with awkward wedding invitations ("awkward" as it is used here means, "I don't know anyone who will be at the wedding except the parents of the bride and I prefer to not attend").

I will decline the invitation, but still send a gift in our absence. The gift should be worth $50-$100 for this occasion, which would have paid for the dinner if we had attended. I have a couple of standard gifts I send to people, going with the idea of a practical side and a not so practical side. If I can, I find a set of crystal candlesticks and a small kitchen appliance, especially if they have one on their registry. The last wedding I went to was for a cousin who I would love to see more often, but due to distance I do not. We found a very nice wine decanter and set of matching wine glasses. I know they are a couple who will use them. We received a set at our wedding, back when we were not anyone who would ever use them, and I love the set and even use it (the glasses) quite a bit.

If you accept such an invitation, stay long enough to talk to the happy couple. They will be glad to see you and happy to show off their new rings.

Some other random wedding etiquette:

1. You can wear black to a wedding if it is after 4 PM
2. The names on the inner envelope indicate who is invited. Do not bring kids if the invite does not list them
3. Sit on the side with fewer people if you are friends with both the bride and the groom
   Send gifts ahead for the couple to open when they are relaxed
4. If you have found a perfect gift that comes in under budget, consider a gift card to add to the present
5. If you are invited to the shower but do not attend you are not required to send a gift
   

I don't want to get too specific otherwise this will be a VERY long post, unless a specific question comes up. So that is it for today!